45 Things I've Learned

In honor of turning 45!

I’m absolutely just kidding. This post/email/however you’re reading it does not contain a list of 45 things I’ve learned - if you’re disappointed, let me know, and I’ll get started on a list of 46 things for next year. :)

But today is my birthday, and I am 45. About 5 years ago, I started one of my favorite birthday practices - an “exit interview” with the previous year. I generally do this one or two days before my birthday, and it’s become a beneficial way to recap at the close of one year, and set some goals and intentions for the next year.

(Side note, I think that having a spring birthday is the best, because it’s like getting a 2nd new year in the same year, but without having to wait TOO long. It’s like I had a 3-month free trial to 2023 or something. Also no one is setting off fireworks and keeping me awake.)

When I do my “exit interview” I write it out in my journal like a letter. I take an honest look at my year, the things I’ve done well, and the places I’ve fallen short. I look at how I’ve invested in (or neglected) relationships. I compare against previous years and see if there have been any significant changes in my habits, attitudes, and character. What I record isn’t always positive - I’m making myself look closely at my inner thoughst and intentions - but it also isn’t meant to be a critical exercise. In every year there have been opportunities to grow and become better. The primary question I want to answer is: What have I done with those opportunities?

Some years are about survival more than growth, and looking at my year through this lens helps me remember that survival IS a form of growth. For example, I turned 42 one month into lock-downs in 2020. And that year ended a month after my mother’s death. I wanted 42 to be over as quickly as possible. But that year I learned through my own experience about the need to sit with people in distress and grief. It was a terrible year, but it taught me profound lessons.

Some years show a lot of positive growth, and opportunities to try new things and meet new people, and some years reveal the resilience of that growth. The goal as I move forward is to practice what I’ve learned, for myself and for others.

So the second part of this, after the “exit interview” with the outgoing year is an “entrance interview” with the new year. At some point today I will sit down with my spiral notebook and write a letter to Age 45, addressing some of the things that 44 left undone, and setting some hopes and expectations. I can’t know every circumstance that this year will bring. I can’t plan for the disruptions, or the disappointments, or the delights. But I can give myself an idea of where I would like to grow and lessons I still need to learn.

This exercise is all about being honest with myself and nothing about being harsh or legalistic. I know that I don’t learn well from harsh teachers, and life is harsh enough on its own. If I’ve learned any number of things in my life, one is that I have to work to be gentle with myself, but I’m worth the effort and the softness.

As my “exit interviews” touch on deeply personal questions, doubts, and struggles, they fall into the “burn without reading” category of journal entries and will never be shared in their entirety. But I closed this year’s review with a prayer, and I will share part of that with you:

May the work of this year, done gently and not-so-gently, teach me to offer gentleness to myself and those around me. As I look for the beauty around me, may I see the beauty You have created inside me. And may I boldly share that with the world and with people I love.

And may the person reading this now know that they are loved beyond measure. Precious, worthy, and so so beautiful.

Amen.