October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The awareness color is purple, as a reminder of bruises. But it took a long time for me to accept that I lived in an abusive relationship, because there are no physical scars from my marriage. I never had to hide bruises. But the psychological scars remain. My perception of who I was, and my place in the world, was fundamentally changed over the course of years.
I have worked hard sincde my marriage ended, relearning about who I am and who I want to be. Unlearning the messages left by someone who promised to love, honor, and cherish me, but used every opportunity to control, belittle, and impugn me. It’s taken time to come to terms with who I’ve become in this journey, and for my kids to be old enough for me to be able to speak more openly.
And, honestly, it’s taken time for me to feel safe enough to speak. Every time I would think about sharing the truth publicly, fear would gnaw at me. Fear of what other people would say. Fear that he will see it. Fear of backlash, of being called a liar, hysterical, dramatic…
Fear is a powerful form of control.
And at it’s core, regardless of how it’s expressed, abuse is about control. Very rarely does domestic (or intimate partner) violence start with physical attacks. It starts with whittling away the will. Breaking the spirit. Undermining agency. Silencing the voice.
Abuse always steals the voice first.
I often wondered how people could stay in abusive relationships. I wondered this while I was living in one. The change in temperament and the changes to me were so gradual that I didn’t notice them. I didn’t notice it, until it felt irreversible and inescapable. It felt normal. Normal didn’t feel great, but it was predictable in its unpredictability.
My friend Angela E. Weiler has written a book of poetry called The Frog in the Pot. Her poems describe in exquisite detail the moment she had enough, and her journey forward. It’s an easy read on a difficult topic, and I recommend it to people who are recovering from abuse, as well as to clergy, therapists, and anyone who loves an abuse survivor.
Our stories are not the same, but I found myself in Angela’s pages. I heard my own voice in her anger and gentleness with herself. I saw my posture straighten and sag, just as hers does, as she describes the life changing and life lifting decisions she made for herself and her children. I heard the determined and weary click of my own heels on pavement. One step at a time.
Our stories are not the same, but we tell them so that others will know they are not alone.
Our stories are not the same, but there is power in reclaiming our voices.
Our stories are not the same, but I’ve learned to hold compassion for myself and the decisions I made over the last 11 years. And for the women I’ve known who have made very different decisions for themselves.
In honor of this important month of awareness, I’m giving away a copy of Angela’s book! On October 16, I will draw a winner from subscribers who interact with this post. To enter:
Subscribe to Andrea Holme Writes (there’s a button ^right there^ to make it easy)
Like or leave a comment on this post.
Shares are appreciated, but hard to track on this platform. So while I hope you will also share this post with your own circles, I won’t use that as a requirement.
One person will win a physical copy of The Frog In The Pot. I’ll email the winner using the email address you used to subscribe to get your mailing address! Open to US residents only. And if you can’t wait, you can purchase your own copy here!
If you need resources or information about leaving an abusive relationship, please visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can find live chat 24/7 and links to resources that may be available in your area.
“You are not alone, and this won’t last forever.” - Jessica F. Kantrowitz
Thank you for your vulnerability. The scars we carry in our minds and our hearts are just as real as the physical scars from physical violence. I'm grateful for you!
Aww, Andrea, thank you for sharing this. I didn't know that, but I'm so glad I know you <3 You're a gift. I'll happily get the book from the library either way because it sounds like such a helpful read. Appreciate you <3