The Unseen Burdens

Part 3 of 6 - Mental Load and the Neverending Exhaustion

A close friend of mine was going through a VERY ROUGH TIME.

Photo by Jack Wu on Unsplash

She confided in me about the struggles of being a single mom while working a job where she felt under-appreciated while trying to maintain a home, homework and activity schedule, and keeping everyone fed, healthy, and as happy as possible. It’s a lot, even when things are going well. But during this time, she was facing multiple crises at once. As we talked about the issues, I said, “It’s like you’re trying to make dinner with every burner on your stove at once: 2 pans are on fire, one is boiling over, and a fourth is simmering on the back burner and you wonder when you’ll realize something is going wrong there, too. No wonder you’re exhausted.”

This friend was wading through the mud of a scarcity season when it comes to mental load. I know that feeling all too well. Maybe you do, too.

Mental load is about the level of attention focused on keeping all the pieces around you moving in an orderly fashion. Some of us are wired to pay more attention to things outside ourselves than others.

In the public conversation about mental load, it is often reduced to the question of “who does the larger share of household chores?” And while that is a valid question, mental load isn’t just about chores and tasks. It’s the micro moments of thought for and about others. It’s the care and control required to cultivate a sense of security. It’s trying to stay at least one step ahead of the what-ifs of life. But what is the quality of the life? Is it truly more secure because we’ve thought of every possible outcome?

When mental load is left to one person for too long, it leads to a sense of scarcity. I think of the times when I’ve wanted to ask for help, but making the ask felt just as overwhelming as the task I wanted to hand off. Because, you see, I have to explain how it has to be done just so, and timed just right, and “oh, never mind I’ll do it myself.”

Control helps me feel safe, but it also makes me feel isolated. There’s an internal struggle between wanting to do things perfectly and maintain the balance that makes me feel secure, and longing to go with the path of least resistance. I have dreamed of just not doing or thinking so much - and then I’m faced with the fears, the what-ifs that result. If I don’t do it, who will?

---

Finding the Enough

It seem impossible to associate mental load with anything but scarcity. There’s a helplessness wrapped up in it - is there really anything you can do to alleviate it? Circumstances don’t change in an instant. Yes, the load can decrease, a sense of abundance can increase over time. But we don’t notice when it tips to abundance, because we’re no longer carrying the weight that kept it at the forefront of our attention.

I have some questions for you to ponder as we close out this (long) post:

What are some things that you would do or experience, if your mind didn’t have to carry everything for everyone else?

Let’s dream a little. I mean, “air freshener ad beach house with billowy curtains and no sand tracked in ever,” dreamy. Go for it.

When it comes to mental load, what does “abundance” look like for you? Can you think of or remember times when things felt easier? How would you know when you reach that again?

Maybe you notice the abundance when you take 15 minutes out of your day to read a book. Or when you have calmer reactions to repeated requests from your kids. Maybe you spend more time journaling and praying. Maybe you take that evening walk you’ve been promising yourself for months.

I notice abundance in mental load when I catch myself being creative in the kitchen. I love to cook, but usually it’s hurried and focused on creating the fewest number of dishes for washing later. But when I have space in my mind, I can create. I can try new recipes that involve chopping and simmering and roasting and “let’s see what happens if I…” (By the way, do you know what happens when you simmer garlic in browned butter and then pour it into mashed potatoes? Deliciousness, that’s what. You’re welcome.)

What would have to change for you to reach a state of abundance instead of scarcity?

This is a tough question, I know. The things that need to change are just as overwhelming as the things that need to be done. And the changes aren’t always in our control. I do think we need to recognize that some of these issues dont’t have quick fixes.

For my friend, change involves so many factors. Her kids will grow out of some elements, but that will take years. A new job that meets her needs and doesn’t drain her soul would eradicate so many worries (and is hard to find). And feeling like she has a community, a solid network of local people she can rely on, would help to bridge the gap between her available minutes and her children’s needs. The steps to get those things also add extra load. Stretching our current capacity to try to climb out of the mental load mire can be painful. I wish it could be addressed in a simple essay.

So let’s try a different question.

What is one small change you can make for yourself?

Small changes really do add up. Completing a small taks helps to lighten the mental load and brighten our outlook overall. So here are some ideas to try, if you want:

• I know that a new planner isn’t actually magical, but writing down the list of what you need to do, visualizing the limited schedule you have, and making space for the dreams and goals you’re aiming for could help:

  • It makes it real. The load you’re carrying is mental, but it isn’t imagianary.

  • It facilitates communication. If you share a home or an environment with other people who are capable of pitching in, you can point to the calendar or the list and say “I need help with…”

  • It helps you spot priorities, and assess the things that keep you from working on those priorities. If you want to be a reader, what is getting in the way?

  • Meal planning is a very real and helpful thing and I’m happy to share tips I’ve acquired throughout my adulthood.

• What’s a small thing from your dream list you could try to implement? If nothing else changed, would that mood boost of doing something just for yourself be enough?

• Consider whether your mental load is made up of obligations placed by circumstances, or by yourself. How much of what you’re holding is really the attempt to control and create a sense of stability? I won’t tell you to just drop things and let everything devolve into chaos. But are there places where you make your own load heavier, because you are unable to trust anyone to help?

Wherever you find yourself today, you are loved and worthy of receiving any help that you need. I hope that you will hear that, and find hope for the future. It won’t always be this way.