Why Do We Keep Speaking When No One Is Listening?

On Women, Survivors, and the Never Ending Discussion of Our Worth

The internet has been a wonderful advancement, offering us opportunites to learn from and connect with people we probably would never otherwise meet in this lifetime. We can meet people who share our experiences and those who don’t; we can share our stories and walk with other people through theirs. See? Wonderful.

But the internet has also brought us into contact with people we would probably never otherwise meet in this lifetime - people who feel emboldened by anonymity and the distance between screens to insist their opinions are truth. Who collect followers that quarrel without questioning. People who seek to control anyone who disagrees with them.

To be clear, this has always happened. But the rest of us didn’t have to see or hear any of it this much. And I’m someone who doesn’t like “weighing in” on the various topics that cross my social media feeds. The topic will change in a few days, and I don’t want to draw attention to bad takes, or prolong pain for anyone hurt by the words of (usually) mediocre men who are only looking to build platforms through outrage.

However, recently several people have noticed there seems to be a “calendar” of sorts to the outrage content. Yoga pants season, for example, is in the spring. The “did Mary know, of course she knew, the song is rhetorical” debate is naturally during Advent. Book launch season for titles that sound okay at first glace, but with theological arguments that fall all the way apart if you actually read the book. There are a lot of these discourses, and people have impassioned opinions on every topic they see. They attempt to provide biblical support for their own arguments. It’s exhausting.

I don’t usually engage because I would rather talk about new things, actually. Let’s solve some problems, maybe? No? Still telling women they need to have lots of children to be happy AND holy? Cool. I’ll just trade memes with my friends then, and send virtual hugs to my consciously child-free, unpartnerd, or infertility friends.

But with each round of discourse, the arguments become more acrid. The nuance is nonexistent at this point. And it’s becoming clear that whatever the topic is, it isn’t the real point. Control is the point. Controlling women. Controlling people of color. Controlling anyone who has an experience that differs from the white men pontificating in this global town square.

We see this in the responses to anyone who dares to disagree, call for reconsideration, or offer nuance and compassion. We now see this in response to anyone who dares to offer concrete facts in opposition. The facts are discredited, the argument becomes about being “too emotional” or “tone”. Reasonable, researching women are spending hours of time that isn’t really free to them, detailing work they’ve already done, defending themselves against character attacks, and trying not to lose hope that someday someone will listen.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

We are compelled to speak because what we hear is the same thing we’ve heard all our lives. And those of us who have lived controlled by the unreasonable parameters of others cannot allow that to continue for anyone else. So we respond with reasonable desparation and unreasonable hope that maybe this time things will change.

Sisters, things do change every time you speak up. Not for the speaker, necessarily. Those who choose to disrespect you will have to first choose to believe they could be wrong. I see your attempts to educate, hoping with you that this time things will be different. Reasonable people know no other way to effect change. And offering your facts and your experiences removes excuses from the people who continue to do harm to others. If they didn’t know before, they know now.

But I don’t think we put ourselves through this for the sake of the people saying terrible things. Not really. I think we do this for the sake of the others watching. Who are asking themselves if this man could be right, who are hearing the voices of people from their pasts who said their worth was tied up in their appearance and behavior, and that the “rightness” of that behavior was determined by these type of loud men.

These loud men who absolutely tell on themselves by what they try to control. “Yoga pants season” isn’t about the type of clothing that women sometimes wear for exercise or for running errands or because they were pants that were clean. The loud yelling says that women wear them to draw attention to their bodies. The loud yelling is covering the confession that these men can’t control their thoughts. And the habit of not controlling their thoughts is so ingrained that society has made it acceptable to just teach young women (girls!) that men will lust over them and be careful what they wear; the men’s reaction is normal and healthy, being comfortable in your own clothes and skin is not.

I am a mother of daughters. Please, please keep saying how unnormal this all is.

When you hold your own story loosely…you look like Jesus

These men preach opinion as if it’s gospel, but there’s no good news offered. But this is where you come in, my friends. When you recognize the hurt, you’re offering good news. When you call out the injustice-laden words, you offer healing. When you stop to listen to the stories of the hurting, you’re actually binding up wounds. As a beloved friend told me recently, when you hold your own story loosely and allow others to see how you’ve grown and changed, you look like Jesus.

Jesus, who stepped into the messiest moments and gave people what they needed. Who saw the person behind the pain. Who didn’t consider equality with God something to be grasped, but laid aside his very own life to change the way things had always been.

So to my advocacy sisters, keep being outraged at the things being said out loud. Don’t become unsurprised by it. We knew it was always there, but it should never become commonplace to hear it. Let the wounded know they are safe with you. Let those who cover sins and abuse people know they are not. Hold your expectations that people who claim the name of Jesus will also look like him.

Keep doing this important work.